Absolutely Nothing

Have you ever met someone and, like, when you see their face, all you can really think is, "Why?"

Because I'm having one of those moments. Right now. With you.

Seriously, what are you even still doing here? Who sent you? How did you come across this? Did you really just type "Nothing" into the search bar and think, "Man, I wonder what kind of interesting, time-worthy apps are listed under such a promising name?" Because there's nothing. There is literally nothing. I'm not sure a name could be more straight-forward if it tried.

Like, who the freaknuts has this kind of time to waste reading a full description about nothing. Was the short summary not enough information for you? Was there really a pressing need to know more?

Because there isn't anymore to know. There was never anything to know to start with. There was nothing. There was literally (figuratively) nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Do people just not trust one another anymore. Is that it? Do you not trust me? I recognize that the internet is this big, scary place, full of hundreds of millions of those weird strangers your kindergarten teacher may or may not have warned you to be wary of. "People are mean and nasty," they might have said. "They will always be there to troll and Rick Roll you," they may have added.

But I assure you, sweet baby child, I am no Astley. If anything, getting this app on your device is only gonna let you down. So I would suggest you give up while you've still got something left in the dignity cup.

I know Freddy Mercury once wrote, "Nothing really matters," in that one song with the thunderbolts that, for the longest time, I was convinced was about a dude getting the death penalty for murdering some random after being stupid enough to tell his mother about it (what a snitch, am I right?)--though a friend later said it was some kind of allegory for AIDS, though who really even knows anymore--but I seriously doubt he meant this app to be the subject of that sentence. As anyone should be able to see.

I mean, I honestly feel like there are very few things that you could be doing with your time right now that would make less sense than reading this description (though one of those few things would be actually downloading the application. A second would be opening it. My imagination doesn't stretch much further than that.).

2,352 characters into this, and I've still got you? Congratulations! Wanna know what you've won for your perseverance? You guessed it--jack shiz. You have won nothing. You get nothing. Absolutely nothing. You don't even get this app. You can only get this app by clicking the download button, but I have zero idea why you would even bother to do that at this point. It does nothing. What would be the point? What are you trying to prove.

I don't know you. I don't know your life. All I know is that you're wasting your time, reading this, when you've probably got better things lined up on your to-do list. I know I do. I'm not even sure why I'm here anymore. I've got so much to do, and so little time to finish. My procrastination level is reaching Expert. I would say it's over 9,000, but this box has a 4k character limit.

I'm putting more effort in to telling you off than most people put into making their OKCupid profiles. I don't even have to ask myself if that's a good or bad thing, because we all know that's terrible. For both sides.

As the sun begins to set, my room is slowly getting darker, and I honestly can't even be bothered to get up to turn a light on. I haven't eaten dinner. I'm feeling pretty thirsty. But, no, I'm still here. Still typing up text. Feeling so overwhelmed by the weight of my compiling list of responsibilities that I'm seriously considering just rolling over and going to sleep when I finally hit submit. I wonder how long it will take for this thing to go live. I wonder why in the ever-loving world you're still here.

Like, seriously. Seriously? What are you doing? What has this world come to?


I'm done.