Speaking in Groups

Do you find yourself getting a bit edgy when you're with more than one or two people?

Are social get-togethers or business meetings uncomfortable situations where you don't find it easy to express yourself?

Most of us find it relatively easy to interact with one or two other people, especially if we know them well or are on good terms with them. We can talk, or be silent. We can say what we want, and not worry about how it comes across. If we say something amiss, it's usually easy to sort it out with a quick explanation or apology, without too much awkwardness.

But somehow, when the numbers go up, it can all get to be a different story. People have different thresholds where discomfort kicks in. You might be okay with three people, or with four, or with ten. But once it goes over your personal threshold, the tension starts to creep in. You might get sweaty palms, or feel your heart racing. Your throat might feel tight. You might find it difficult to concentrate.

Why is it sometimes uncomfortable speaking in groups?

And for why? Because suddenly it feels like some kind of spotlight has been switched on, and any moment now it's going to shine on you, and people will be looking to see how you do under the spotlight, and the whole thing starts to feel like it's some kind of a performance, with audience, and critics, and ratings, and who wants a family gathering to be like that? Certainly not you. So you stay quiet.

It might not be a family affair, or a social event. It can equally well happen at work. It's normal in the business world to have to go to meetings of one kind or another, and these can have the same sort of effect. You can just feel as if, when there's so many people present, you're just not free to be yourself and put across your views as you might in a one to one setting.

Is discomfort with speaking in groups a fixed part of character?

The consequences of such inhibitions don't show up immediately, but over the long term your work colleagues might conclude that you're more passive than you really are, or not interested in the company's goals. Or your friends might come to think of you as a bit of a wall-flower, so that you end up feeling rather out of it all.

You might (and plenty people do) conclude from such experiences that you are just 'not a group person', or that you have 'social anxiety disorder', or belong in some other pop psychology 'box' that provides a suitable label, and think that you 'just have to live with it'. But what you have to remember is that sociability is actually a spectrum, not a fixed, unchanging attribute.

This means that, even though you, like everyone else, has a typical level of sociability and ease with other people where you feel most naturally comfortable, you can move along the spectrum in either direction if you so choose. If you decide that you would like to improve your social skills so that you can feel at ease with a larger group of people than currently feels comfortable for you, this is definitely possible.

How to go about feeling more at ease speaking in groups

There are practical steps that you can take, of course, like just stretching your comfort zone little by little, by resolving to speak up more the next time you are in a group that is only a little bit bigger than your current threshold. Say one or two more people. Just allow yourself to feel the slight tension, and speak up anyway, without criticizing yourself about it.

After a few such experiences, you will find that you already feel more comfortable, and that other people are beginning to treat you a little differently. You can then build on that at your own pace.