Ending Friendship

You may have heard the old joke that you don't get to choose your family, but your friends are God's apology! There is no question that friends and friendship are among the most valuable and enjoyable aspects of life. Friendships are usually free of the emotional baggage that may entangle family relationships, and a source of fun, support, intimacy and a sense of belonging. But friendships can go wrong.

Why is there no guide to ending friendship?

We don't usually hear much about 'friendship breakups'. Romantic breakups we hear about all the time, and there is much advice on how to go about 'ending it' when a relationship goes sour. But if a friendship goes sour, how do you get out of it? There doesn't seem to be a recognized etiquette that you can follow. Nobody talks about it.

How friendships go wrong

This is surprising, because friendships are just as likely to founder as any other relationship, and often for similar sorts of reasons. One party takes the other too much for granted. Or demands too much attention. Or does a lot of taking and no giving (and if friendship is about anything, it's about an equality of give and take). Or has feelings for the other party which are not reciprocated. Or any number of other possible reasons.

The warning signs of friendship failure

You know that things are going wrong with a friendship, even one that you may once have highly valued and cherished, when you no longer enjoy that friend's company. When your heart sinks when they appear. When you start secretly resenting how they impinge on your time.

But the loyalty that underpins friendship is peculiarly powerful, and it can be hard to face up to the fact that it's time to put an end to this friendship.

We treat 'friends' differently from other people

It's as if 'friendship' demands that you treat someone who has been a 'friend' differently from anyone else. Your heart may sink when they appear - but at the same time you can feel guilty for reacting like that. Part of the difficulty may be our sense that friendship is not 'exclusive' like a romantic relationship, nor genetically determined like a family relationship. We feel that we 'should' have room for all our friends.

What friendships need in order to survive

But the fact is that, like any relationship, friendship only survives if the parties can accommodate each other's differences and, more importantly, the extent to which each of them changes. You may have an awful lot in common when you meet at college, but later in life find that you have drifted apart in interests, skills, social circle and beliefs. You then need something powerful to hold you together in spite of your differences.

The 'unfinished business' of former friendships can do you harm

But if you don't have that powerful glue to hold you together, the friendship may actually start to be damaging rather than nourishing. Many people in this situation fail to take decisive action and just let things drag on, or 'fizzle out'. But this can also be destructive, leaving a residue of resentful guilt on one side, and puzzled anger and pain on the other.

Why ending a friendship properly is better for all concerned

Taking clear steps to end a friendship which is no longer fruitful for both parties can be painful, but ultimately benefits both former friends. It draws a line under the relationship, and lets both sides be clear about where they stand. It frees them both to pursue their lives and other friendships without harking back to the past.

But in the absence of the manual of etiquette for ending a friendship, where do you start?

Hypnosis can help you end a friendship positively

Ending a friendship is an audio hypnosis session which will help you to prepare yourself calmly to bring a friendship you no longer wish to pursue to a clear end.